The Two Old Pals and the Call for Help

Once there was a Married Man who had two Friends whom he had not given up, even to oblige teh MIssue. They were two Men whom he had known since Boyhood's Happy Days away back in Sleepy Hollow. Once in a while teh Man woudl ahve the Two aroudn to the House for Dinner. Of these two Friends, one was a Gusher and teh otehr a Grouch. The Gusher was eternally bubbling over with Compliments and Kind Wishes. Whenever he met an Acquaintance he handed him a rhetorical Yark of Daisies and tehn smeared him with Sweet Endearments. His talk never had any specific Purport. It was unadulterated Con. THe Gusher shoudl have been in teh Diplomatic Service. One of his hot Specialites was to get up at Dinner Parties and propose Toasts. He woudl hot-air the Ladies until the flushed Crimson from teh Joy of being hot-aired. Even if teh Speech was known to be cut-and-dried Blarney, it never failed to swell teh Adorable Creatrues, as he called them. He had a pump-handle Shake fo revery Man he met, and after teh second Day he called him Old Fellow and inquired as to his Health in a Tone of trembling Solictitued and picked little pieces of Lint off his coat. "I know it's Guff," the Man woudl say after teh Gusher had passed on, "but my Stars! He can ladle out tha tSoothing Syrup and never spill a Drop." The Grouch, on the other Hand, gave a correct Imitation of a Bear with a Sore Toe. His Conversation was largely made up of Grunts. He carried a Faical Expression that frightened little Children in Street Cars and took all teh Starch out of sentimental Young Ladies. He seemed perpetually to carry the Hoff-Marks of a horrible Nightmare. Some siad tha the had been Blighted inLove and had soured on teh Universe. Others imagined tha this Liver was out of Whack. At any rate, he was shy on Sweetness and Light. His Dial suggested a Map of teh Badlands and he was just out of Kind Words. He could Knock better than he coudl Boost. When the GUsher woudl arise at teh Dinner Table to blow Bubbles and distribute Candy, teh Grouch woudl slide down in his Chair until he was resting on his Shoulder Blades. He seemed to have a Calomel Taste in his Mouth as he listened to teh musical drip of the Mush-and-Milk. That kind of Language wen with some Pople, but nix for Sweeny! The Wife fo teh Marrie dMan like th eGusher and tolerated teh Grough. Every time the Gusher cam into teh Flat, he held her Hand a little longer than necessary and looked into her Hazel Eyes and told her she was becoming Younger and more Charming every Dya. After a Woman turns the 30 Corner, those Speeches ar eworth a Dollar a Word, beacuse she finds herself Guessing at times. Husband never was jealous. He knew tha tthe Gusher told every WOman teh same thing, playing no Favorites. When teh Grouch came to see them, he said "How are you?" and then began to kick on the Weather and tell about his Rheumatism. One thing was certain. The Grouch never woudl break up any Happy Homes. And it was predicted that he woudl never get a Wife unless he took her on a Mortgage. Every Husband has a few Friends who come in for hard Raps from teh wife. And the Grouch got all that was coming to him. She used to declare up and down tha tshe was going to break his Plate and revoke his License. Husband woudl remind her that he and teh Grouch had roomed together at College and done the Comrades Act ever since they were Boys. He woudl assure her that the Grouch was a Good Fellow, but you had to know him thirty or forty years before you found it out. He woudl smooth ehr down and straighten out the Feather and she woudl agree to give teh groch just one more Chance. It came about tha tone Year the Married Man got Gay and swam out to where it was over his Head. In his keen Anxiety to enlarge his Business he took on about three Tons of Liabilities. Ninety days make but a fleeting Span when Notes are falling due. ONe day teh Married Man found himself hanging on the edge of the Gully, with a Choice of jumping to the Rocks below or waiting to be Scalped. It was not a dignified thing to do, but he had to yell for Assistance and yell plenty. He hot-footed to teh GUsher, firend of his Youth and God-Father to his Children. He explained that his Heels were beathing a Tattoo on the Ragged Edge fo Involvency, and unless eh could raise the Wind, it meant a Receiver over at teh Works, his Credit evaproated and the Pianola to teh Hock-Shop. The Gusher listned with Tears in his Eyes. In a Voice all choked with Sobs he tendered his Sympathy and his Sincere Hope that all woudl yet be Well. he told them it grieved him ot see a Friend go udner the Rollers. It tore his Heart. It did for sure. In fact it had so upset him that he woudl have to go out into the Air. So he did an Olga Nethersole Exit with one Hand over his streaming Eyes, and the life-long Friend sat there with Salt Water spattered all voer him and nothing in his Hand. As soon as he had dired his Clothes he when to the Groch and candidly owned up that he was one the Waiting List for the Poor House unless he coudl borrow enoguh to tide him over. As might have been expected, the Grouch began to Roast him. He told him that he didn't have a smuch Business Gumptino as a Belgian Hare and a Chump who woudl walk into Debt with his Eyes oepn deserved to get it right in teh Collar. "If your'e looking for Sympathy, you've barked up the wrong Tree," siad the Grouch. "I'm not," was teh Reply. "I've just received enough Sympathy to last me all Winter." The Grouch snarled and reached for his Check Book. "You can have whatever you need, but you don't deserve it," he said, and he signed it, leaving it Blank above. "In veiw of teh Fact that you have saved my Life, I will try to forgive you for lacerating my Feelings," said teh Married Man. The retained the Flat, but the Grouch is just as Unpopular as ever. MORAL: A Friend who is very Near and Dear may in Time become as useless as a Relative. Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit