The Periodical Souse, the Never Again Feeling and the Ride On the Sprinkling Cart
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At last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carry around. He was proud of himself when he counted up the number of days during which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. It seemed to him that he deserved a Reward. SO he decided to buy himself a little Present, something costing about 15 cents. He picked out a First-Class Place where they had Electric Fans and Pictures by the Old Masters. He poured out a Workingman's Size--the kind that makes the Barkeep stop wiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently raised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose." It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light Effects and the Red Fire were already to make it a Spectacular Affair. Just after he had mowed away N. 2 and had stopped worrying about the Winters Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls and Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him woudl probably be working for him before the Year was out. [Image: man sitting reading with a halo on a stick over poking out the back of his shirt] For Three Weeks The he found himself in a four-oared Cabinet and the Sea became very Rough. There was something out of Whack with the Steering Gear, for instead of brining up at his Boarding House he found himself at another Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key and could not lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State Convention of a Fraternal Order having for its Purpose the uplifting of Mankind. They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money into the Cash Register. In a little while he and a re-headed Delegate were up by the Cigar Counter singing, "How can I bear to leave three?" He put in an Application for Membership and then the next Picture that came out of the Fog was a Chop Suey Restaurant and everybody breaking Dishes. Soon after, the Lights went out and when he came back to Earth he was lying the wrong way of his Bed with Blue Badges all over him, trying to swallow a Bath Towel, which he afterward discovered was his Tongue. By getting [Picture of three men in suits drinking, smoking and singing in a bar] Brothers a Leverage under his Head he managed to pry it up and then he sat on the edge of the Bed and called himself Names. He had nothing left over except the Cards given to him by the Brothers from up State somewhere. He had a dim ad sneaking Recollection that he had given his address and Phone Number to the whole Tribe and begged them to look him up. "No any more in Mine," said he, as he held a Towel under the Faucet. "Not for all of the Morgan's would I look at any more of that Essence of Trouble. I wonder if I'll live through the Morning." That Day eh lived on Bromo and Ice, and the only Satisfaction this Life offered was the Fact that he was a Reformed Man. On the Second Day he could look at Solid Food without having a Spasm. His Hair stopped pulling and he began to speak to the People he met. When asked to step out for a little while, he lost his Temper and made a little Talk on the Subject, proving conclusively that there was Noting in it. [Man holding up his hand to put off another man inviting him to the bar] Never Again! As he walked homeward in the Dusk he passed the Clubs and Cafes where those who Drank were rounding up and he felt sorry for them. "Why can't they pass it up, the same as I do?" he asked himself. "Ah, if only they knew how much more Fun it is to be Respectable." It was an actual Mystery to him that any one could dally with a Dry Martini while there was a Hydrant on every Corner. On the third Day he was cracking his Whip and begging People to get up on the Wagon with him. And he said it was a Queer Thing, but he couldn't bear the Sight of it. While on the fourth Evening he confessed to some nice People he met at a Church Social that at one time he had allowed himself to be coaxed into taking an occasional Nip but he reasoned it all out and decided it was a Bad Thing and simply Chopped it right off. The told him it was wonderful how much Will Power he had and asked him if he ever felt the Old Craving coming back on him, and he said he could see if splashing all around him and not have the fainted Desire to dip in. He was so stuck on himself that he went around to call on all his Friends who kept it on the Table so that he could wave it to one side and tell how he despised it. He sat there and pitied those who were inhaling it. Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses to himself in the Glass and exclaim: "Aha! The Head as clear as a Bell this A.MN. I'll bet I'm the cleanest and nicest Young Fellow in this Town. Any Girl that picks out a Sober and Steady man such a I am will certainly be showing good Judgment." As Narrated at the Beginning, for three weeks he worked hard at the Job of being an Abstainer. An at last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that weighted over 200 Pounds. He know that he was entitled to a Reward, so he decided to buy himself a little Present. Just a wee Remember of by-gone Days and then back to Sarsaparilla. But he fell into a Crowd. There was another State Convention. It had been arranged for him so that he could get a Fresh Start. MORAL: Life is a Series of Relapses and Recoveries
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